I think if I ever write a book, it will revolve around my car. Mostly because most of my significant moments have happened in a car...mostly in my cars. Old Roy set the trend and now it has moved onto my lovely lil 'bishi. No matter what type of weird old car I drive, I have a strange and wonderful connection to each one. And so many of my thoughts, friendships, and loves occur or develop in those two worn, grey, front seats.

Often, driving, I wonder, does anyone else ever think about the cars around them? Not in the sense of thinking "what a lame driver, umm there are yellow lines because of people like you, hello, red light!" ( mostly because I am that person if you say those things). I mean, do you ever think, "That person has a past, present and future. That person has a life going forward, and a story that isn't mine. That person has love, and loss, and something to teach me."

I think this so often that sometimes I think I am creepily obsessed with strangers, but really, I am just obsessed with the symphony God is writing. And I so badly want to see all of the parts tied together in the grand finale. So, God, thank you that we all have a part, thank you that we are not all violinists or play the bass. Thank you that there is percussion and color.

Thank you, that the story is so different yet so beautifully blended. Thank you that it is not over yet....

Dear Anne, Thanks for making me remember when I wrote this...I need to remember my own advice

if you want unity, remember your own imperfections...

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Friday, March 6, 2009 at 12:13am | Edit Note | Delete

Marriage. Some people hate the idea, some people are peeing their pants waiting for their turn, some people are reading this thinking, "wait...marriage, Oh my gosh I forgot that even happens." Whatever the stage of life, at some time it will encounter your day to day. There are a few words I want to say about it, as I approach my becoming a Mrs.

I truly used to believe marriage was the easy way out. That being single and independent was so much more admirable and desirable. That there was more sacrifice and dignity in being single and "proud of it". There is absolutely nothing wrong with single-dom, it is a magnificent and beautiful time to do amazing things. It is a growth period I would not have traded a moment of. Single-dom is an amazing time to be enjoyed and reveled in. But I was absolutely wrong in every way.

As beautiful and exciting as being single is, I would not trade my wonderful experience with Jared for another moment of it. Of course, there are days where my free-spirit springs forth inside me in an illogical way, wanting to drive and end up no where just because. Don't get me wrong, I still get to keep my free spirit, and Jared even encourages it. But I have taught it to be useful rather than useless. To people who are single and love it, GOOD FOR YOU, keep loving it and living in it. Keep serving with your whole heart. For those of you who are single and hate it, be patient, there is something to learn here, and the result will be breathtaking.

For those who, like me, are now walking into the crazy-biggest decision of their lives, do not let anyone make you feel less of a person for this. Relationships are meant to refine, renew, teach, and grow our spirits to look most like Jesus. There is no loss of dignity in this. For so long I let people treat me as though I had no independence or thoughts of my own because of my love for Jared and my desire to be his wife. Yet, I encourage you all, to see this as a chance for me, and hopefully someday for all of you, to serve someone so intrinsically that it changes your being into something more beautiful. I know it will be trying, it already has been, and it is supposed to be. Being refined by God is never easy. However the product is always beautiful.

I hope that everyone can look at themselves and see within them the beauty of the stage of life God has placed them in for the time being. I hope we can step back and acknowledge, enjoy; even revel in our state of being and the growth it is bringing us, instead of longing for something else. More than anything, I hope, as women of God, we can look at other women and appreciate the stage of life they are in without labeling it "single" or "married" or "desperate" or any of the other silly things we like to do. We are all women, journeying towards the same end; to love, be loved, and know we are serving our God. No one is perfect, so God refines us. Let us encourage one another in our refinements, whether they look the same or not. And please, let us remember that women are mighty, mighty vessels of God, in any relationship, if we so choose to allow Him into our hearts and use us.

God, You are...

My freedom and my adventure. What makes me fall in love with you every day? Let me tell you...

The earth, the smell of the soil and the grass. Especially after a rainstorm. Even better when there are still crystal clear droplets lingering on a pine tree. One that smells like a real pine tree, heavy brown bark, deep evergreen, tall and towering, like pine trees should be.

Fall. Every single part of it. The way you color the leaves and the sky at sunset. The way grey clouds make me feel cozy and full, only the way they can this time of year. Pumpkins that look like they could pummel small children (not that I would do that with them haha). Apples and the smell of each one floating together in an orchard. The way cinnamon never smells any better than in October.

The first snowfall. The way it seems to reflect the moon all night long and quiet every sound into a pillow soft disturbance. The way hot chocolate tastes after a day of sledding or ice skating. Sorry winter...that is all I like about you...if there were a season contest, you lose, hands down.

Rainy days and star filled nights. The softness of fresh grass, the smell of lilacs outside my window. The shape of mountains and the feel of fresh air. The warmth of the sunshine, the sound of music. The beauty and courage of bold colored flowers and trees.

If there ever was an artist to take after, I would want to take my creative side from you...

I suppose I am not so unique. I am not so interesting or out of the ordinary. But what surprises me the most is the unique-ness of those who think of their lives as nothing but ordinary. The ability that one person has to influence and entire generation, the ability that one life has to effect the lives of at least three others in my case. What happened to my family, nothing weird in this age of life, a divorce, has forever altered the path and lives of my mother, me and my brother. And because of that, decided the future of my husband my children and their children.

If not for the tearing of my family, my life would reflect an entirely different lifestyle. I can't say that I am grateful for all that befell us, but I am gratefull for a God that makes all things new.

It makes me begin to wonder, though, about all the children, parents, wives and husbands, who experience the rejection, fear, pain, misunderstanding and confusion of what happens when someone leaves. Death, sickness, age, choice. I feel like everywhere I turn I am met by one of these circumstances that have made a perfect childhood a mess. We are all suffering from some form of these in our family, and the effects that they have brought upon our loved ones. So, do we run, do we wear them as a badge? Or do we simply offer them up as life circumstance?

I propose none of the above. It is amazing to me, so fascinating and an infatuation of my heart and mind to know and love the stories of those around me. And so I propose this. That we love the hurt. That we cherish it as a part of the fall and that we see it as a part of something God will someday restore and make new. That each brokeness is one more chance to love more than we thought our hearts could handle. To know each other in this life deeper than we expected. To rid ourselves of one more pride than we wanted to let go of. Fear has no place here, in these unexpected moments of love and vulnerability.

And it is here that I remember why I am so deeply in love with God's creation, and his plan.