Today I am remembering and re-learning, that sometimes passion feels a lot like pain.

Today, I am really struggling to accept my imperfections.

It isn't that I ever truly believe I am perfect, I mean lets be real, I am certain that thought has never even entered my mind. Entitled, better than, etc, sure. Perfect? never.

I find myself reading about other people, what they are struggling with or dealing with, and wishing so badly that I could struggle with those problems, rather than my own. Why is it that our problems always seem so impossibly large, or maybe make us feel so impossibly small? So small, indeed, that we look at what others hearts are breaking over and cry out in our soul, "if only that was all I had, things would just be simpler".

Perhaps I could overcome the things that make you fearful. But perhaps that is also the point.

When I was 12 years old, I quit gymnastics for the first time in...10 years. I quit because I was exhausted, spent, and bored. But mostly, I quit because I had been seriously injured for the first time and knew I never wanted to feel that way again. I quit because I was afraid. I was afraid that, even though I had survived the first pain, I may not survive the second. I gave up. I gave in. I know I was only 12, but what a telling instance of how I handle imperfections, how I face fear.

I may be able to face your fear for you, but I will never grow if I avoid mine. I will never be filled with the perfect wholeness of God because why, indeed, would I need his perfection if I had the ability to have my own?

Fear is nothing. It is a thought, an idea of something that isn't actually reality. How can something so intangible be so defining? How can I place all my eggs in the basket of fear and have none left for faith?

I am afraid so often to be honest, so envious of those who bear their souls and I see nothing but beauty. What if I bear mine and you find it disgusting and repulsive? What if you know me only to reject me with your nose in the air at my sin?

I am struggling today. But in the end, I know what always wins.

hmmmm

sometimes my brain surprises me with how little it is willing to let in.

"knock knock little brain, there is always something to learn."

Lord, make my brain wanna learn things. May I seek you all of my days...

Some areas that have construction cones on them:

1. Being wrong. man, do I ever need to stop getting punched in the face by this one.

2. Staying in touch with people. If I could find the switch that was turned off in my infancy to responsibility and the talent of managing more than 5 relationships at once, I would flip that sucker back on. The truth is, when I try to do more than work, live, and relate to a total of 5, my eyes start to turn into death razors and I accidentally set the world on fire. Hmmm...must reduce laser-vision.

3. Reading instructional material. Or maybe just reading instructions in general. But mostly reading (and finishing) books that are not fiction. It is an addiction.

4. Time management. Really. I mean, there are no words for how sad this area of my life is.

5. RE-diricting my rebellious spirit. It has to have some kind of good potential right? So how come it keeps getting me in trouble?

6. Encouragement. WHere did this part of me disappear to? And how do I get it back and stop eating peoples souls as a lil snacky snack?

7. Shopping. I need a less shallow, less expensive hobby.

8. Doing the things I feel in my spirit. Wearing that sundress, dancing when it is rainy. Laying in the grass when its warm doing nothing but snapping mental photographs and listening to heart changing music. Maybe with a glass of apple juice. Giving more to people. Extending my conversations past my mental limit. Reading more and watching less. Being braver, more creative and allowing myself to be just a little odd. Mmmm...it all sounds good to me.