Sometimes I think growing feels a lot like missing part of your life. Do you know what I mean? Like sleeping for a long time, only to be awoken but, sadly, everything else has passed you while you were sleeping. It isn't to say that you have missed your chance, just that the world, that your mission, that love has been waiting for you to take it seriously and you are just now figuring that out.

If I am really, really, really honest, I hate things that make me have to sacrifice what I WANT. Not what I need, but things I want. When I really examine myself, I can't answer your questions. Maybe that is why I get so upset. Because truly, in my heart, I have no answers. I couldn't tell you weather or not I really look like the God I profess to love, and that makes me wonder if I even know Him at all.

I think I do. I love Him. And more than anything, I just hope that one day He see's me and invites me to sit next to Him. That He will hug me, hold my hand, and know in His heart that I have loved Him in my soul. But what scares me is I like a lot of things I think maybe I shouldn't. I like music that doesn't always celebrate who He is, I like to overeat, I like to dance and play and be irresponsible. I like to forget things. And somethings are better left forgotten. I like to ignore, and live in peace. But...I don't think that is a place I have been lead, more than a place I have settled for in all of it's ability to crush who God made me.

So...what do I do? I don't know. Still, I have no answers. In an ideal world, I would pack up and move around. I would have no worries and I would converse and love people. But in real world, that doesn't exist or work...that isn't a real occupation. So I know now that this desire is just part of my soul waiting for when Heaven comes back to earth, and I CAN do those things with no reprucussions.

Maybe my soul is more ready for heaven than I thought it was.