on fitting in...

My life...the giant question mark. After a good year of some stability, my life will soon be on track to change, yet again, in some major ways.


So, in living the giant question mark life, I am beginning to ask the same question I have been asking for about 24 years now, which is WHAT is GOING ON? (definition: n. life: what am I doing with my life?)


I'm not trying to be indie or emo, so quit judging and keep reading.


See, here is the problem I keep running into. My brain works in mysterious ways, and I have yet to find a brain quite like mine. I am not more awesome than you, and by no means am I smarter, I just have a problem fitting into any of the molds I have found so far. In my heart of hearts I believe this was on purpose. That we all have this particular problem in some way or another. But if that is the case, why do I feel like I am about 10 steps behind everyone else I know when it comes to being a functioning adult in the world of Starbucks and ipads?


I lieu of this question rearing it's head, yet again, I have been reading up on the church as per Paul's definition in 1 Corinthians.

"For the body is not one member, but many.

 If the foot says, "Because I am not a hand, I am not a part of the body," it is not for this reason any the less a part of the body.

 And if the ear says, "Because I am not an eye, I am not a part of the body," it is not for this reason any the less a part of the body.

 If the whole body were an eye, where would the hearing be? If the whole were hearing, where would the sense of smell be?

 But now God has placed the members, each one of them, in the body, just as He desired.

 If they were all one member, where would the body be?

 But now there are many members, but one body.

 And the eye cannot say to the hand, "I have no need of you"; or again the head to the feet, "I have no need of you."

 On the contrary, it is much truer that the members of the body which seem to be weaker are necessary;

 and those members of the body which we deem less honorable, on these we bestow more abundant honor, and our less presentable members become much more presentable,

 whereas our more presentable members have no need of it. But God has so composed the body, giving more abundant honor to that member which lacked,

 so that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another.

 And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it."

So, perhaps it is my fault, perhaps it is the fault of the "american dream", perhaps it is the fault of lies being heard in my little brain for years; but this concept seems to be missing from so many of our lives. Selfish confession: there are things that are "necessary" to survive as an adult that I: 

1. absolutely suck at, hands down, no effort in life has changed this. go ahead, make a suggestion...bet you $5 I have already heard it, tried it, failed it. 

2. have about 1% desire to do. ever. under any circumstances.  not saying I won't do it, just don't want to. 

Wheels a turnin'. Is this because I wasn't made to be well rounded? Is this because we were meant to fill in each others blanks, to link together like the tendons of the body and secure our reliance on each other? Like the joints of a body that fit together to create a beautiful functioning person, so are we the pieces that fit perfectly but are respectively different. 

Why do we assume that this only applies to spiritual gifts? Why do we assume that we can only form a differing body in the "spiritual" sense, as if the rest of us isn't spiritual? As if God didn't purposefully form our minds, personalities, approaches, likes, and talents in a just as spiritually unique way as He did our gifts? And if He did...well then...that seems to change a lot, at least for me. 

We like to celebrate the idea of differences, but when the reality of that hits us in the face, in our job, in our relationships, we try to change different into same. We try to coax each other into our version of normal...I am so guilty of this. 

 Bottom line, for me anyway, is I am afraid. I am afraid to be what God made me to be, because it means having to go it alone in some aspect. Others will walk next to me, but they can't walk it FOR me. It means that I can't compare myself to others and make sure I am doing it "right". It means risking a failure or ten. It means not being able to explain why, sometimes, or how. It means taking a leap into territory that is sometimes uncharted and without a map. I know what I am good at, but I am so afraid of failing that I try and make myself something I am not. It isn't really anyone's fault but my own for trying to fit the wrong mold. 

So, cheers to you, and me, for never feeling like you really fit in. Because, hey, you weren't supposed to. And hope to you, and me, that this wasn't an accident, and the most wonderful people I know are the ones who have decided to not let the fear of different get in the way of living.