I decided that today I need to break up with myself. I spend too much time with me, and sometimes I think I can save me, that I can fix me, that I can keep me company, that I can be my own community.
I think too much of me. On my list of priorities, I see me on the top way too often. And maybe it is clouded vision finally clearing, or painful walls finally crumbling, but I see all to clearly that I have been living in a fog of tiny lies.
So in honor of my break up with myself, of course, I have to listen to good break-up-with-self music. And there is one song that keeps rattling me to my core, that I think is shaking me awake from this brilliantly lame stupor I locked myself in. In the song, he talks about his father saying he is sorry from his grave...and that started the crumbling in my heart all over again.
I traced my steps back through my relationship with myself, as you often do after a break up, minus the whole reading love notes (because at least I am not that self absorbed), and I see the beginning of this funky stupor clouding over me around this time last year that I had a life altering moment with my relatives.
After a heart-wrenching first few months and an internal war that would thwart the masses, I had to testify against my own father. Not that this will shock many of you, but this merely ended a very twisted relationship with the man who, up until then, called me his daughter.
I think the hardest part of this all, was feeling alone. Feeling like there is no way people could possibly understand the pain that was underlying all of this. Despite my fathers continued absence in my life, and weak attempts at making up for it, despite all his manipulation, he is my father, and I have an undying love for the "underdogs" of the world. This situation was mentioned a few times to those who know me well, but ultimately died out in conversation, yet never in my heart.
Every day I feel guilty for "turning" on my dad, even though it was the only way to help this situation.
Everyday, I wish there could have been someone who understood without words how this situation changed my world in those few short months, how it shook me to my core...how from that moment on, everything truly changed for me. Because it was the first time in my life there was a death in my heart, of my father.
This break up song brought all this out of me, and brought me to a place of desiring community so deeply that I can't wait to move and get on with it, and get involved in others lives and love.
But I am still so afraid, because the song ends with the hallucination that the father whispers up an "I'm sorry", from his grave. When time has already run out. I so desperately hope that healing comes before then for me...and for my father. I so desperately need to know and give the forgiveness that brings closure...from breaking up with my problems and with myself.
