Stories to tell...

I read this question today. "Looking at 2010, what has God made known to you, what have you learned." Because those lessons will shape who you are, not just in 2011, but for the rest of your life here.

So I thought maybe I will think through some of the things that have shaped me this year, old or new lessons, to see what God is doing right now. Mmmm I love a good reflection. Getting out my soul mirror...

1. "The only way we can truly authenticate ourselves as seekers and followers of Jesus is to measure ourselves by the life and teaching of Jesus. not by our leaders or our doctrinal statements--just Jesus. Not by what church or organization we are part of, but Jesus Himself." (Floyd McClung)

I am not sure there is much else to say here. If I could write a sentence to sum up what brings my soul to life, how I want to love people, what I wish the world knew about followers of Christ, and the foundation in my life that grows ever stronger as time passes, it would be this sentence. Too bad Floyd beat me to it. Seeing this, feeling the ache to do this in my soul, I regard it as the most challenging task that I have ever undertaken. Why? Because absolute truth is almost always skewed by opinion and interpretation. I am in no way claiming to know everything, in fact I am sure I know less each year. (Or maybe I just always knew this little and each year it becomes more obvious). Regardless. Jesus is not easy. Sacrificing wouldn't be sacrifice if it was easy to do. Escaping the idea of normalcy is an incredible task, but I just hope that I can continue to realize and live the idea that "it is for freedom Christ has set us free." It grows a bit harder each year and more inexplicably full of joy with each passing day. I love my God, I only hope that my life will emulate the love and truth He holds.

2. Faithfulness. This word is precious to me. Because over and over again, He has proven that my God is still my God, no matter the season or circumstance. Thank God. When I am a crazy; my God is still my God. When I am unsure and anxious; my God is still my God. When I am mean and nasty and hurtful; my God is still my God. When I am excited and sharing in joy and His presence; my God is still my God. Know why that is awesome? Because He is so much bigger than it all. He is master designer, creator, wisest of wise. I don't have to be anything for Him to be God. He has delivered me from living in condition. He gave me a husband who will be ever faithful and the truest of friends. He has given me friends who can forgive a multitude of mistakes. He has shown me in my scariest soul searching moments that He is conquerer and provider. In essence I am an ant trying to lift a log, instead of sit on one. And here comes a weird little kid who picks it up for me and moves it. Awesomeness. THanks for moving my logs, Jesus. (Let us hold unswervingly to the hope that we profess, for He who promised is FAITHFUL. -Hebrews 10:23)

3. Be where you are, no matter where that is. You may hate every second of it, but always know, there is something to learn here. And as ugly as you feel in those refining, sucky moments, as much as you feel like that awkward girl in braces at her first middle school dance, you are more beautiful than ever as you grow.

4. Sometimes, it is good to think long and hard before you speak. Words are more powerful than ever, in an era where spoken words are few and far between. Mean what you say, say what you mean. Put passion in your words because people will see who you are, and love well as you speak. But always, always, always use the brain God gave you, and think before you speak. You never know what your words could mean to someone.

5. I want a tree tattoo. I have always loved trees. But deeper than that. I have always loved trees in scripture. I love nature, I love that God crafted it with meaning and inspiration. It is like poetry to me, like meaning being hidden and twisted into each blade of grass, each leaf, each rock or piece of bark. But trees. O trees. They carry the most meaning to me. A tree is always a tree. It may have blooming periods, dark empty periods, barren or fruitful times. But a tree is always a tree. It continues to grow up towards the sky and down in the earth. It comes in many shapes and sizes, all with a different purpose and leaf. They may get sick, or be hospitable to a lonely animal. They are good for sitting next to or leaning on. They have secrets and adventure for you. I love trees. If I wasn't a human, I think I would be a tree. Because through it all, to my God, I will always be a "me-tree". No matter what season, how much growth, what my purpose, I will be full and content knowing that in His eyes I am always beloved, purposeful and beautiful. And knowing that even still, my God is my God.

Though the fig tree should not blossom

And there be no fruit on the vines,
Though the yield of the olive should fail
And the fields produce no food,
Though the flock should be cut off from the fold
And there be no cattle in the stalls,

Yet I will exult in the LORD,
I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.
The Lord GOD is my strength,
And He has made my feet like hinds' feet,
And makes me walk on my high places. (Habakkuk 3:17-19)

I love that there are so many pages unwritten.

In this story of my life, of our life, of God's story and plan.

I love that there is a "yet to be"...

there is more and I cannot stand in the way of that

There is so much about me that I know will never be good enough.

But thank God. Because I suppose He is good enough.

"I won't always love these selfish things..."

I am haunted. By something that is not mine.

But He is bigger. And thank God that He is.

I am learning that I am so crafted and unique, that I am who I should be.

I will not apologize for that ever again. Because

God has made me beautifully me.

And being "well-rounded" is not in the cards.

And I love that.

not so long ago...and not so much has changed.

DEAR WORLD,

Hey, its me Caitlin. I have a few things that I thought you might like to know before I become a legit inhabitant of you, world (aka graduate college). There are a few things about me that maybe you should understand.

I am not perfect. In fact most of us that are followers of that man some of you know as Jesus, yeah we all suck at the whole getting it right thing. Really, I mean seriously, we stink like 5 stink bombs sometimes. I want to apologize for that. Sorry that I don't always love others the way I should. I'm sorry that sometimes I really do make the wrong choice and you have to reap the consequences of that. I am also really sorry that I don't have all the answers or explanations you seek, trust me, I wish I did. Truth is, I am just never going to be that smart.

But I was hoping maybe, if you can see past that whole part of me that doesn't get it right, you could see that I am trying my best to be who I am supposed to be and find my place in the world, too.

I also thought now would be a good time to let you know that I don't think I am ever really going to fit into this place...not college, just here, in life. Sometimes, on certain days I know exactly where I fit, but most of the time part of my insides know this isn't really where I belong. It's not anyones fault, its just that I belong somewhere else. Some people may get that, others may not, but my home isn't here. It's tough sometimes, and I don't always know how to let you into that part of me, but I will try.

I thought you might like to know that I don't always like you, but I truly do love you. All of you. There are things beyond my understanding in pretty much every part of this place, including inside you. That doesn't change the fact that who you are and what happens to you matters to me. I find you to be interesting, full of stories, surprises and lots of things I want to learn about. The thing is I get tired, just like everyone else. Sometimes I don't show you that I love you, a lot of times I am even mean to you or just plain shut you out. Sorry when that happens, but maybe every now and then you could help me remember, and maybe even remember with me, that I am just a person, just like you.

I love the idea of live and let live, but in practice it just doesn't always work. See the thing is, as harsh as it sounds to your ears sometimes, I really believe what I believe. So sometimes, it hurts my heart when I see some of the things I do, or hear the words I hear. I don't want you to think I am judging you, remember we are all people here. I just want you to have the joy and hope that I do, thats all. Maybe if you begin to see it that way, you will begin to understand a little better. If not, thats okay too, I still really care about you and everything in your life.

Lastly, I am not very good at much. I am really nothing spectacular or earth-shattering. Jaws don't drop in my presence, that is unless you count the times I make a fool out of myself in my dance videos. Hey, I just love to laugh and have fun though. But back to the subject. I may not have much to offer you as I enter "real inhabitant-ism" but please try not to hold that against me. I am still just learning, and seeing life through new and changing eyes. I have only just begun to understand myself. I have a long way to go and maybe, just maybe, you could be a little patient with me while I figure it out.

I hope we can stay friends, that we have many adventurous encounters and loving embraces. I hope we learn a lot about each other and begin with patience. Anyway, that was about it, for now I guess. This is only the beginning...

Thanks for listening. I suppose I will see you soon!

Caitlin

relentless tenderness...

"What causes most trouble for Christians of all ages is not legalism or lack of faith or theological controversies; it is Jesus Himself, who bestows freedom so openhandedly and dangerously on those who do not know what to do with it. The church always gets panic-stricken for fear of the turmoil that Christ creates when He comes on the scene; and so it takes His freedom under its own management for the protection of the souls entrusted to it, in order to dispense it in homeopathic doses when it seems necessary. The church claims to represent Jesus on earth, but in fact it often supplants Him. It must tremble in all its joints when confronted with his portrait. Ecclesiastical traditions and laws have domesticated Jesus and today all the churches are living off the success of the attempt. "

-Ernst Kasemann