wasting my life.

We spend so much of our lives trying. Don't you?

Trying to succeed at our job. Trying to make more money. Trying to be taken seriously. Trying to make a difference. Trying to get good grades and make good friends. Trying to keep our marriage going. Trying to be different but not stand out so much that we break the social norms we live in.

Trying to be a good person and trying to be right. Trying to be educated and smart.

But I feel like I spend so much time managing my "trying" that I quit all the "trusting".

I spend so much time internally examining myself, or comparing what I am doing to what I should be doing at the age of 25, that I somehow have quit believing in what really defines me. Do I have the right job? Do my clothes fit the norm? Do I sound like an adult? Am I making educated comments? Am I reading the right books? Am I teaching well?

What I have realized, this past week, is while most of these questions aren't bad in and of themselves, the root of where they come from is. My deep root fear is, and always has been...

am I good enough?

I recognize I am not. I recognize that to the world I live in...I look like I am wasting my life. 

But realizing when Jesus said "If the world hates you, remember that it hated me first.  The world would love you as one of its own if you belonged to it, but you are no longer part of the world. I chose you to come out of the world, so it hates you."

He was talking about this too. He meant also, that people, family, friends, bosses...many will tell you that you are wasting your life. Wasting your potential. Wasting talent. 

And they will shake their heads and say "remember what's her face? Yeah, then she got all weird and quit doing such and such to do this." They will say "remember when she got all crazy and religious", or "remember when he went to that college or that job, and with a brain like his? What a waste...". "THey could have made so much money, or gained so much respect, or been so famous, or (insert description here)."

I fall for this trap of self-worth. Defining myself by the standards of success my culture has set before me. 

Because in all honesty, what I believe, if I really believe it, will soon make my life look as though it is wasted. If I give up the idea of fitting culture, raising kids a certain way, working a job because I am supposed to, making a certain amount of money, making educated adult like comments, being perfect or faultless, being in charge, being successful in everything I do from relationships to my work here at church, 

I will look like I am wasting my life.

And in all of that, I have to trust what He said was true. He is the vine, we are the branches. He will sustain everything we need, everything to fulfills, everything that brings peace, joy and life. None of it can be manufactured by any amount of success, recognition, education, like-a-bility or money. I have to quit trying so hard and start trusting in the absence of that trying.

It is not that any of these things are bad. Being educated, making wise choices, earning a living, taking care of family, being successful. I suppose it is mostly about how important that is to you, and if you let that run your life. 

So maybe I am measuring success wrong. Maybe from now on, I should take our culture's idea of success, compare it to what I am doing, and if I look like I am wasting my time trying to communicate the love of my God, giving up something "valuable" or being too devoted to being last place, I will know I am wasting my life...

in the exact way I was supposed to. 

So...here I go...continuing to waste my life. 

wish me luck.