why.

The church classic VBS, wall hanging, and, hauntingly enough, homemade vest from my childhood all share this common, most epic story.

Noah's Ark.

But the real question is, why...

Why what, you may be asking yourself, suddenly intrigued because I mentioned a delicately sewn, classy little story vest. Yes, Noah's Ark, tails and all.

There are a few "why's" the world needs to pause and ask themselves whenever they happen to cross paths with this cheery tale depicted in art.

Why #1: Why does it always look like Noah only made it to Africa and North America?

Did Noah only make it to the African Plains and Old McDonald's farm when he gathered his collection of furry friends? Did he lose his "Don't forget to" checklist somewhere on that behemoth and then suddenly decide to improvise and hope God wouldn't notice? Did he gather a variety of 13 animals, after years of building, to suddenly go "Well...at least we got one with a long neck...good enough close the doors."No...you say? No, Caitlin...how could you? After all the VBS and children's church you have lived through, how could you not think that all our furry and feathered (and scaled...) friends didn't make it aboard this fine floating device? How could you not picture them all cuddling and full of joy as one giant zoo full of love? And maybe even a unicorn or two? I will tell you why. Because some genius artist who grew up on a farm and has only ever read a book about African animals has drawn every single depiction of Noah's Ark to date.

Because apparently, Noah only grabbed a cow, a pig, a giraffe, an elephant, a zebra, some monkeys, a horse, a sheep, some lions, an alligator pair, and a bird. Sometimes a bear. Occasionally a hippo or an ostrich. If your lucky, you see a penguin or two. Maybe a deer.

Thats it. Noah quit after that. Because clearly, waiting around for animals was too exhausting. Never mind that he spent half his freakin life building the thing. He just didn't have the energy to sit and put checkmarks on a list as the animals walked onto the boat.

So we ended up with a zoo drawn from the brain of a toddler. Congrats. Why...why are these the only animals ever depicted on Noah's ark? Can't the groundhogs get some love?

Why #2: Why the bird?

Somehow, in more than half the depictions of Noah's Ark, there is a parrot -like-bird. This is nice. I see we are branching out to new life forms that possibly existed at the time. But...just wondering...why is this parrot always piggy backing on some large animal like an giraffe? Do they have a special bond? Did the giraffe save this parrots life in 'Nam and now they can't be separated? Are they Romeo+Juliet-ing it against their parents will in love? Does that just seem like an obvious place for a bird?

"Oh look a giraffe....but something isn't right here. Hmm it has spots...and horns....there is it's freaky tongue. Oh wait I know...where is it's parrot?"

Get it an eye patch and call it Captain Hoof. Because apparently that would be all that is missing the giraffe gone out to sea.

Why #3: Speaking of Giraffes...

Why is it, that even if there is NO OTHER ANIMAL in the picture, there is always....ALWAYS a giraffe? Is this the world's best representation of animal life? Are these animals just commonly found around the world?

"What was that noise in the basement, honey, it sounded like clip clopping..."
"Hmm...we must be getting giraffe's down there. I'll call the exterminator tomorrow."

No. If anything, Noah should have a pair of rats chillin on his ancient shoulders.