I love that there are so many pages unwritten.

In this story of my life, of our life, of God's story and plan.

I love that there is a "yet to be"...

there is more and I cannot stand in the way of that

There is so much about me that I know will never be good enough.

But thank God. Because I suppose He is good enough.

"I won't always love these selfish things..."

I am haunted. By something that is not mine.

But He is bigger. And thank God that He is.

I am learning that I am so crafted and unique, that I am who I should be.

I will not apologize for that ever again. Because

God has made me beautifully me.

And being "well-rounded" is not in the cards.

And I love that.

not so long ago...and not so much has changed.

DEAR WORLD,

Hey, its me Caitlin. I have a few things that I thought you might like to know before I become a legit inhabitant of you, world (aka graduate college). There are a few things about me that maybe you should understand.

I am not perfect. In fact most of us that are followers of that man some of you know as Jesus, yeah we all suck at the whole getting it right thing. Really, I mean seriously, we stink like 5 stink bombs sometimes. I want to apologize for that. Sorry that I don't always love others the way I should. I'm sorry that sometimes I really do make the wrong choice and you have to reap the consequences of that. I am also really sorry that I don't have all the answers or explanations you seek, trust me, I wish I did. Truth is, I am just never going to be that smart.

But I was hoping maybe, if you can see past that whole part of me that doesn't get it right, you could see that I am trying my best to be who I am supposed to be and find my place in the world, too.

I also thought now would be a good time to let you know that I don't think I am ever really going to fit into this place...not college, just here, in life. Sometimes, on certain days I know exactly where I fit, but most of the time part of my insides know this isn't really where I belong. It's not anyones fault, its just that I belong somewhere else. Some people may get that, others may not, but my home isn't here. It's tough sometimes, and I don't always know how to let you into that part of me, but I will try.

I thought you might like to know that I don't always like you, but I truly do love you. All of you. There are things beyond my understanding in pretty much every part of this place, including inside you. That doesn't change the fact that who you are and what happens to you matters to me. I find you to be interesting, full of stories, surprises and lots of things I want to learn about. The thing is I get tired, just like everyone else. Sometimes I don't show you that I love you, a lot of times I am even mean to you or just plain shut you out. Sorry when that happens, but maybe every now and then you could help me remember, and maybe even remember with me, that I am just a person, just like you.

I love the idea of live and let live, but in practice it just doesn't always work. See the thing is, as harsh as it sounds to your ears sometimes, I really believe what I believe. So sometimes, it hurts my heart when I see some of the things I do, or hear the words I hear. I don't want you to think I am judging you, remember we are all people here. I just want you to have the joy and hope that I do, thats all. Maybe if you begin to see it that way, you will begin to understand a little better. If not, thats okay too, I still really care about you and everything in your life.

Lastly, I am not very good at much. I am really nothing spectacular or earth-shattering. Jaws don't drop in my presence, that is unless you count the times I make a fool out of myself in my dance videos. Hey, I just love to laugh and have fun though. But back to the subject. I may not have much to offer you as I enter "real inhabitant-ism" but please try not to hold that against me. I am still just learning, and seeing life through new and changing eyes. I have only just begun to understand myself. I have a long way to go and maybe, just maybe, you could be a little patient with me while I figure it out.

I hope we can stay friends, that we have many adventurous encounters and loving embraces. I hope we learn a lot about each other and begin with patience. Anyway, that was about it, for now I guess. This is only the beginning...

Thanks for listening. I suppose I will see you soon!

Caitlin

relentless tenderness...

"What causes most trouble for Christians of all ages is not legalism or lack of faith or theological controversies; it is Jesus Himself, who bestows freedom so openhandedly and dangerously on those who do not know what to do with it. The church always gets panic-stricken for fear of the turmoil that Christ creates when He comes on the scene; and so it takes His freedom under its own management for the protection of the souls entrusted to it, in order to dispense it in homeopathic doses when it seems necessary. The church claims to represent Jesus on earth, but in fact it often supplants Him. It must tremble in all its joints when confronted with his portrait. Ecclesiastical traditions and laws have domesticated Jesus and today all the churches are living off the success of the attempt. "

-Ernst Kasemann

Why Thanksgiving matters...

If you took away the foods like homemade sweet potato casserole, pork loin and plumb sauce, cheesy potatoes, sweet pickles, pizza, beef roast, yankee fried rice, and cheesy rolls, I'd still love Thanksgiving more than most any holiday in the world.

I know many people would say this; that Thanksgiving is a day of giving thanks. And I say congrats on your deductive reasoning. But beyond this statement is something so much deeper that I re-learn every year.

See, growing up my life was always a bit unstable. Week to week we were unsure of my mom's income, of my dad showing up ever, of the stress level in our house. Things changed a lot, but I never knew it. Mostly because God saw to it that I was taken care of in every way.

My mom is the oldest of five (only four are in the picture to the right). When my life went upside down, they all came to the rescue. All of them including my grandparents. Not a single year goes by that I don't grow a little wiser, or a little more grateful for everything my family did for me and my brother throughout our lives. When there were no friends, they played Trouble with us or built puzzles. When there was no money for a babysitter, they signed up, played old records, danced, made mac and cheese and tucked us in with books and songs. When there was no food, my grandparents made large meals and we all ate together. When things were hard and stressful for my mom, my family took me on bike rides, lake swims, snow angel escapades and cookie making adventures. I NEVER went without; food or love.

Some of you who know me may feel bad for me at times, or think me unlucky for having a father with an incredible vanishing act, among many other qualities. To that I say: God is good. And perhaps you are the unlucky one. Perhaps you may never get to meet these incredible, selfless, loving people. Perhaps you may never see a family have such depth to their relationships, or truly care for one another in every way.

Why does thanksgiving matter? It matters to me because once a year I get to see the people who made my life worth something. Who made me matter. I get to eat and laugh and hug the ones who love me more deeply and consistently than any other person on this earth.

I give thanks because I have. I give thanks because God is provider. I give thanks because sometimes the hard stuff seems too big until God steps in, because often the hard stuff is what makes us find the good stuff. I give thanks because no matter where I live, I always have a home and a place.

A place

where I belong, where my roots are settled and strung deep in the ground.

If you live near your family, be grateful all the more at how much you get to see them. Give thanks for all they have given for you to be who you are today. Thanksgiving matters because, when you give thanks, you will learn how to truly give.

Giving Thanks...

A few little things I am perma-grateful for...

My hunky hubbs...

perfect orange pumpkins, and all things fall...

the most awesomest grandparents...

the kind of friends you could never replace in a million years...

fresh flowers.

my beautiful sweet Nola-pup...

my lovely, ornery Olive-pup...

my beautiful baby sister...

God is good.

more on Love...

I feel like my last post didn't do justice to what I think of love, even though I said too much (as I always do)

so...here are some lyrics that may help you understand what I mean, about the beauty of our mess, about trying our best, but seeing it through, because that is what it really is all about.

When the world welcomes us in, 

We're closer to Heaven than we'll ever know 

They say this place has changed, 

But strip away all of the technology 

And you will see That we all are hunters, 

Hunting for something 

That will make us okay.  

Here we lay alone 

In hospital beds tracing life in our heads 

But all that is left Is that this was our entrance 

and now it's our exit, 

As we find our way home. 

 And all the blood and all the sweat 

That we invested to be loved 

Follows us, into our end, 

Where we begin to understand.  

We are made of love, 

And all the beauty stemming from it. 

We are made of love, 

And every fracture caused by the lack of it. 

 "You were a million years of work," 

Said God and His angels, 

with needle and thread. 

They kissed your head and said, 

"You're a good kid, and you make us proud. 

So just give your best and the rest will come, 

And we'll see you soon." 

I am beginning to fear for the church. I feel like maybe my blog is a safe place to voice things that may be hard to say out loud and make sense at the same time. So I guess this is just going to be my word-vomit of questions, because in reality I don't have answers for most things.

I am beginning to fear, not the church itself, but for the church. I just read a blog this morning that shook me, because I keep thinking that I might be able to make the side of me raised by my culture and the side of me raised by the church mesh like old friends. But this blog shook me because I was upset by some of the liberal ideas contained within, and realizing I was upset just made me more upset that maybe I am being close minded. But then again I ask myself, am I? Or am I thinking with the Spirit when I read these things that I think are offensive to the very core of what I believe.

You see, I can absolutely, and do absolutely say that Jesus, God, Holy Spirit, that He loves you where you are, no matter what. Because God is love. Absolutely. He is real, true, relentless, full un-wavering, unconditional to no end, perfect Love. His love is of a magnitude that is impossible in our minds and it is holistic and healing.

What is scaring me, is that we are bringing up a generation (and already have a generation leading) that has been burned by a "religion" and so they take the cultured idea of Love, this idea that love is letting everyone do what they want, believe what they want, and say what they want and we all just smile at each other and pet bunnies, and run with it.

Saying that we should be inclusive is true, all should feel as though they are part of the beautiful story God is writing. But culture has invaded that and begun to tell the Church that everyone should be allowed to believe whatever they want as long as we "love" each other, and if we don't allow that, we are horrible. But sometimes love truly hurts...

Saying that we should see each and every human as a human, full of life, love, loss, dreams, and fears is absolutely the epitome of what it means to begin to really love someone. But love is not stagnant. Love calls out love, and thus change. And though it is not our job to EVER change people, it is our job to spur one another towards change and release from sin.

I am sorry but I just can't get on board with love being this idea where "everyone is fine the way they are and lets just smile and listen to each other and then all go to heaven skipping and holding hands because we're all just fine the way we are and there are fluffy bunnies, which sometimes die so that is sad, but that is really it".

Love, true real love, does not mean accepting everyone and everything. I mean, I hope my friends NEVER do that to me. What horrible friends they would be! If I was doing something destructive to myself and others, I would want to know that someone loved me enough to tell me, if I was so oblivious to the harm I was doing. Wouldn't you? And then, would you not hope that, since it is so much more of a precious thing, they would do the same when it came to your soul? People are dying to be known, to know what is missing and to have the void filled. It will never come if we continue to live on each others surface instead of cleaning out the soul.

I can't hand out free passes and tell everyone they are okay. Mostly because I know I am not okay. I am never just "okay as I am." I truly don't believe life, or eternity for that matter, are measured in how much we are just "okay", or how much we are human. Or how much we accept ourselves. Religion is a hard word, so I won't use it. But I hate to use the words "loving each other" because I think we have forgotten what that looks like. I cannot trade in the real freedom I have been given to know I am never finished and that change is beautiful and springs from true love, for the plastic freedom offered by our culture. My soul and brain need a deep cleaning...