Sorry, not sorry...

When I was about 6 years old I learned the magic "healing" of an apology. I learned that when I said those two words "I'm sorry", or "my fault" that I had an unending power over conflict. That all of a sudden everything was solved and I could continue on my way, with all my friends and life band-aids perfectly in tact. That I would never have to face a problem head on again, because all it took were those two magic words to make everything better. It was like being invincible to the little "life bullets" that we all get shot with every once in a while. But not me. No, not Caitlin in her nifty little Keds and scrunchy...I had found a way around it.

I kept reaffirming this belief by tracing it to scripture. And scripture was sometimes (accidentally) used by others to teach me that, despite the exhaustion of my soul, I was doing the right thing by letting everyone suck me dry. By "loving others first", by "being selfless and being last in the kingdom", by "putting others needs above my own." Essentially the most important part being overlooked, that being honest with myself was just as important. And so, as many can attest to, I have become a chronic apologizer. Literally. You could step on my toe, and I will be the first to jump in before you have a second to breathe in oxygen, I will say "Oh, I am sorry." For what? For standing? For breathing? Who knows. All I know is that I have spent my whole life being sorry.

I have spent the last three years reaping the scars, opening the wounds, and facing head on the exhaustion this has burned into my life. And I have made a decision. Sorry, but I am not sorry. Not anymore. My grandma said something wise to me today, as she always does. She is like a little fortune cookie that is 4 feet tall and minus the cookie part. But still...wise as ever.

She said "There is absolute truth, no doubt. But sometimes, with people, that is a bit harder to say. You have to remember that what is shown to you, through someone's words and actions, is truth to you until you are told otherwise, because it is all you perceive. Sometimes, what you perceive is the only truth you know until you know otherwise. And that is valid and valuable. You shouldn't have to feel bad about that because it is the only message you are getting, and what you think and feel about it matters just as much as what it is."

Thanks Mema, for being my fortune cookie. And thanks, dear friends who have, for validating me in knowing that I don't have to be sorry anymore.