This is never what I thought it would be, but better than I ever expected.

God has filled in all the would be holes in my life, and I have nothing left to do but say thank you.

So, thank you God.

You will always know me better than I do.

Things I do:

Thanks to Bittersweet, I am re-prioritizing my life. Realizing that no, I in fact am not Super-woman and so the search for the missing cape and lasso can now end. I see that I cannot do it all, but there are things that are incredibly important to me, so that means there are sacrifices to make in other areas. Nothing really comes easy, especially what you are passionate about, and now I must decide what its worth for me to do the "things I do". So...here are the things that I DO, blogland. Not that you actually wanted to know, but alas, I will tell you anyway.

Things I Do:

1. I make every conscious effort to love God in the best way that I can, and to always keep Him first. I am not saying that I actually do these things well...just that I make it a priority. I do the things that connect me to Him and keep me serving Him with my whole life.

2. I try very hard to do anything and everything I can to support, love on, and hang out with my bff, aka my hubs. I try to encourage his adventures, support his ideas, love him in a way no one else can, and give him the best of myself. I always want to put his needs before mine, and serve his desires first and foremost. And learn to say I'm sorry quicker each day...

3. Make every effort in my week to make time for the people I love. My community is so important to me, and I will 100 percent invest and immerse myself in those people. I do my very best to make each person on my "home team" a priority at least once a week. I want to encourage them, love them, and hear them to the best of my abilities. And it fills me up.

4. I will host any party or get together I can get my hands on. I absolutely love having people at my house. I love feeding them, decorating for them, talking with them, playing games with them. Every part is awesome. Seriously.

5. Always plan parties for my friends. I think you can fill in the rest of this with the above comments. But add in my best friends birthday and I am jumping for joy. I love throwing parties for other people, its my crafty extravagant fun way of saying "I love you, and so do all the people here!"

6. Drink coffee. Everyday. No matter what. I will find a way. I will drink coffee.

7. Stay up late to read a good book or finish a good show. I will sacrifice sleep for either of those things, no questions asked. I love a great read or an enrapturing story line. Totally worth a few hours less of shut eye.

8. Run at least three times a week. I know this sounds crazy, mostly because in High school I proudly wore a pin that said "I gave up jogging because my thighs kept rubbing together and catching my panty hose on fire". This was true for some time, until I discovered the joy of feeling like you are going somewhere. On the days I feel most stuck in my own life, or need to amp up the endorphins, running makes me feel like I am going somewhere, anywhere, like I can accomplish the impossible. Because believe me, it used to feel impossible to run. Now it is a happy addition of much needed inspiration in my week.

9. Take pictures. It makes me happy, it inspires me, and it is changing my outlook on the beauty and mess in life. I love it. It loves me. "Nuff said.

Dear Pedestrians:

Contrary to your belief that you are invincible, or the center of the universe, or both perhaps, you are not. I was going to try and break it to you gently, however, gentle left my body when you decided to stroll your little heart out across every street in the universe and never look left or right.

I mean, did you not go to preschool? Were you sick on the days when they taught you how to walk across a road? Have you ever driven a car? Have you ever even seen another human? Perhaps not, and if this is the case let me give you a few pointers on how to survive the next few years of your life with all your limbs attached.

1. Look both ways. If you had someone in your life that was older than you by ANY amount of time, you should have heard this phrase at some point. If not, you must be super annoying and they withheld this gem of advice from you. But seriously. Look. Both. Ways. Step one to life survival, we all learned it age five, and you, apparently, did not.

2. People are not thinking about you as much as you think they are. You are not a celebrity, therefore, when you walk casually out in the road with your hair blowing in the wind, no one is turning to stare wide eyed and mouth open. And if they are...its probably because they can't believe that you just waltzed in front of their moving vehicle as if you were the Hulk and could stop a giant box of steal with the wave of your hand. Hence, a refer back to survival step one. Look. Both. Ways.

3. Stop. Seriously...if there is a car coming and you are on the edge of your seat with impatience to cross the road, take a moment and reflect on your life. In that moment of reflection, guess what, the car has passed and you may proceed. It happens that quickly. Shocking, yes, I know, the speed at which a car can move. I know that you may be having feelings of uproarous indignation at the moment about human rights and "right of way for pedestrians". Your body is easier to stop than 1000+ pounds of forward moving metal. Trust me, I took physics.

4. Do not presume that I am a psychic. I have never claimed to have such powers, although I appreciate that you think I am just that awesome. If you jump out from behind a parked van to aimlessly wander the road like a lost dog, do not turn haughtily on me with rabid stares because I had to slam on my breaks. I could not see you. Do I look like I have 12 eyes? Because I do not. Remember when you were a kid and you played hide and seek and you thought if you closed your eyes, the person searching for you couldn't see you because you couldn't see them? This is only true in this instance. If you are behind a giant van and cannot see past it, chances are, although my psychic skills are progressing, I still have no idea you are hiding back there waiting to surprise me like it is my birthday. Please do not assume that I will magically know the precise moment you decide to march across the street without looking...I would love for you to continue in your life. Help me help you.

Well kids, I hope todays lesson has been both educational and fun! See you next week.

for the man in my life:

you are my best friend. you are my safe spot when i am sleeping, and my personal electric blanket. you make me think i am funny when I am actually absurdly awkward.

you cook for me even after you have had a longer day than I have, because I am lazy.

you leave your stuff everywhere and I find it absurd but so endearing.

you let me quit folding your t-shirts the way you like them, so I can get done folding faster.

this song. is for you. from me...and Brett Dennen, because he wrote it.

You can put a stick in my spokes,

I can be the butt of your jokes,

I can be the laughing stock, I can be the hoax,

But I ain't gonna lose you

No I ain't gonna lose you,

They can come and tear my house down,

They can run me out of town,

They can tie me up, call me a clown

But I ain't gonna lose you,

No, I ain't gonna lose you

They can make me turn my back on my friends,

Send me away to San Quentin

Put me in the hole thousand times again

Oh, I ain't gonna lose you

No, I ain't gonna lose you

Throw me in the hurricane

Tell the whole world I've gone insane

Run an electric shock to my brain

But I ain't gonna lose you

No I ain't gonna lose you

Things that I simply adore.

I know that maybe no one else in blog land cares. I also know that in real land, no one but my two dogs care...and even they get bored within five minutes and proceed to sniff inappropriate things. However, I just love to share the things that I love, so travel on back to kindergarten with me and lets have a show and tell. I promise I did not bring my pet tarantula...which, side note, why on EARTH did anyone ever have that as a pet? It wasn't bad enough that you already had social problems so you went and bought a giant fuzzy spider just to seal the deal? Bad move. Ok...now for the things I love.

Waking up early on Saturdays and putting on my favorite sweater, then going to sit on my back patio. There really is nothing better, especially if you throw in my morning caffination fix.

Pumpkins.

Really soft sweaters, of any color. But the kind that either button up or stay open. And pockets...i love pockets on them.

Dead leaves. The smell, the sound. So much so that I even like to rake. But only my own yard so please don't get any bright ideas.

Buying flowers.

Making playlists on itunes for each mood I am in.

Cooking anything that has rosemary in it.

The idea of a road-trip. Up and leaving. Throwing it in your car, packing some snacks and sunscreen, as well as a raincoat. Putting on just the right music, grabbing your bff and driving on down the old yellow divided road. When will I ever realize this dream? Who knows...Is this dream realisitc? Well let me answer that with another question...am I ever realisitc?

Reaaaallllyyy tall trees. The kind that make you realize you are only human.

Chai.

Cotton sheets

Robin's egg blue

Getting dirty.

Not showering.

Using excessive amounts of Fabreeze on almost anything.

Cuddle time with my puppies.

The smell of books, new and old.

Finding something I love on sale.

Paisley prints.

Going barefoot.

Halloween. SO much that I only wish I had cable during the month of October so I could watch ABC families 13 days of Halloween. Yup. That is a true confession.

A really, really crisp apple.

Coffee+friend.

A vase I have had since I was twelve that still contains three forlorn looking fake black eyed susans. It was the first creative thing I made that I liked, ever. And so it stays, immortalized for all time on my bookshelf.

My clumsy, sad, cluttered guestroom. I have no idea why. There are books strewn half-hazardly across my shelves, and empty window seat with one pillow, a hideous built in closet, a half empty dresser, two dog kennels, one keyboard and gross carpet. But, whenever I want peace, to pray, or to just meditate, this is the room I lay on the floor in. ahhh....

Cards. I love cards. Reading them, finding good ones for other people, writing them. THey are perfect.

Bookstores. And Libraries. Never go with me if you intend on leaving this century, ain't gonna happen.

Old Buildings.

Funfetti.

Our generation is one of the first to be desensitized to true, gritty, raw, beauty. I truly believe that. Our addiction to our TV's and books without words has lead us to a place where we have forgotten the majesty and wonder of our Creator.

I don't believe God created the Redwoods so we could glimpse them on our small and slightly pixilated Sony flatscreen. He did not sculpt the mountains from His pure imagination so we could watch a movie called Everest and live vicariously through the people who actually step outside and get a little messy. I am certain that love was not intended to always include lust and nudity, that marriage was not intended to be placed on the same "decision shelf" that we put the choice of wether or not to buy another pair of shoes. That real color was meant to be felt, tasted, smelled, as well as seen.

You might know what I am saying. The smell of brown. What is that to you? For me, the earth under the pine in my back yard. But only just after it has rained does it really smell brown. True earthy brown. Maybe your brown is fresh brownies, summer in a wheat field, fresh cut wood. Or perhaps your color smell is orange. Fresh pumpkins ready for picking. Hay wagons for riding and jack-o-lanterns lining the children laden streets, all hankering for more candy. Or your orange could be the ripest of citrus, bursting with summer and flavor. The golden orange sun hanging low on a late summer eve. Whatever your color of choice, you know its smell.

This is what we were designed for. The black box we stare into for our escape, fulfillment, sense of any emotion at all, it is stealing from us. The flatness of our eyes reflects too many hours of what I am doing even now, staring into a picture of a picture of the real life that is waiting outside my curtain laden window. We were meant to see with our eyes if we can, hear real sounds with our ears if we can, to smell and touch. We are created and physical, if yet frail, beings. Let us join our spirits with the wonderful things God has given us in the here and now and give numbness and its grody little theiving alien fingers a swift kick in the pants. Immediately. And then take princess Jasmine's advice and see a whole new world. Was the disney reference too far? Whoops...

Why I love Desperate Songs...

I have been noticing a trend, year after year. I am pretty sure that I am the last person in my life to arrive at this conclusion (mostly because in my adolescent years you could find me on any day declaring the lyrics to any Dashboard, Jimmy Eat World, or Sufjan song you could find) but I just love emo-type songs.

Ok, before the "daddy doesn't love me hair" and Avril Leveign jokes kick in, hold on a sec and hear me out. I love emotional music, yes, but not the kind of music that you want to mock me for. or maybe you still do, but who cares.

When I was 12 years old, my brother got really good at playing guitar. His fingers would move over the strings and produce something that lifted parts of my heart I didn't even know existed until that day. A single note, and then there were three, four, seven. They wove together creating something so sweet and enchanting, but haunting. In the good way something can be haunting, leaving you feeling an ache for more when it is over. He told me about his heart, his hopes, his sadness, his anger, all without a single word. He introduced me to Goo Goo Dolls and Dave Matthews, Bela Fleck and Phish. He played song after song, music ranging from Creedence Clearwater, to OAR.

Given some of my love for these bands has died, sometimes as popularity rises my love fades. It has nothing to do with being a snob, but mostly with the idea that my secrets were no longer safe in this music. You see, my love affair with music grew ever stronger and more personal with each note and lyric. I could escape here, and no one could find me, because music becomes so deeply personal that it reflects our secret clubhouse handshakes we created when we were five. Everyone everywhere was learning the words and encrouching on my own little secret garden of music that I thought was built just for me. Selfish and foolish, yes, that I thought these songs were mine to have and hide in my heart. But, it created in me the inspiration to create, love, and live hungry for more life and more stories.

I love the kind of music that makes your heart break for no reason. I love the guitar chords that someone strings and twines together telling a story with no words, but at the same time every word it needs. I love imagining the life and blood and sweat behind each moving note. I love the story my imagination creates in the silences and the poetry that pours from someone else's imagination.

More importantly, I love the story a good emo like song tells. I am not a sadist. I love happy music, too. There is just nothing like the bond that is built when someone lets you see them in their rawest, rarest, most vulnerable form. When they share their tragedy in a beautiful and haunting way. I think it is because it reminds me a little of the wonder of God. How He can take anything ugly and make it a beautiful thing, nay, create beauty springing forth like mad from it. I do not enjoy others pain, I enjoy being able to connect with someone at the most basic human level. The level where we need each other, need love, and need to know it will be ok. There is hope and though all our stories are unique, we are not so different after all, underneath it all.

I love heartbreakingly beautiful songs, and for this, I find a new way to love the people around me in a most gracious, glorious, and God given way.

Some days, try as I might to remember "The Little Engine That Could", I just feel stuck on a one way track to a dead end. Not in such a depressing "my life is over" kind of way. I mean, I am still chugging along without a hitch at the moment, so that is something to be thankful for. But some days I wake up and think, "God, is this it?"

However much I may remind myself that this is not forever, the days seem to stretch before me with nothing on the horizon, like a drive through the fields of Illinois.

I know this is life, I don't need reminding. Some days though, I just keep waiting for the road sign to point me to that wonderful fork in the road.