Nobody Knows Me at all...

I know this sounds all emo-schemo like, but, even though I am usually entirely vulnerable, there are way to many moments that words evade me. Seems weird coming from blog central over here, but so often, I find something deep within me that no word can truly encompass. I guess that is why I get so creative.

Sometimes, with my pictures and my crafts, I feel like I get to reveal those things without saying a word. When I type, I have the magic delete button that makes things feel like they never were, and gives me the ability to work and work and work the english language bending it to just the exact position I need it to be. So I can show you the parts of me that are hidden deep inside.

And even though I am surrounded by the most wonderful beautiful friends and family a girl could ever dream up, there are those moments that I know, nobody knows me at all.

I think God did that on purpose, to set us all apart, and force us to all work together. To say what needs to be said. We are connected in the ways we can't speak, write, think or create. And because of the times we can't, we find the other people who can. And so God builds His kingdom. It helps me find the right things to say and see, and hopefully, it helps you see the rest of me...

Everyday. Wandering.

I am trying this thing where I just write everyday, even if it is the most fantastically horrible and boring post in the history of written word. I figure every once in a while I will have a gem or two to actually not put you to sleep with...so read at your own risk. Just try to do it sitting up if you are already really sleepy.

It is August. The days are filling with deeper smells of dead leaves in the earliest form of fall, and the world around me is anticipating the arrival of September. It has been one year since Jared took his job at Centric. And for the first time in one year, I feel settled.

I can take out my little life mirror and glance backwards at where I just was, and make everyone jealous of my tremendously unstable life the past year. But, six jobs later (and several attempts to make it seven and eight...) I sit a two-dog-home-owning-full-time-working-long-sentance-writing-wife. O yeah, and I am in Indianapolis.

What have I learned? Is there a page limit on blog posts? Just making sure the novel I am about to write will fit...thats all. I guess I will just tell it short and sweet, as best I can. Here is my current list of life moments that need post-it's, so I don't forget them again.

1. You can't take it with you...no seriously, if it doesn't fit in your car and moving truck you can't take it with you.

With so many houses in the past year, so many life changes, so many freaking non-permanent situations in my life I was getting desperate enough to buy post-it notes just to remember what it felt like for something to stick. But, what I was so desperately trying to hold onto was an unrealistic idea of my life. More like a vision that sat in a little picture frame above my life, taunting me with its perfect painted figures in their skinny jeans (jerks) and pasty white smiles of glee. Not. Real. Ok, not that I am sitting here wallowing like a little emo kid, just saying, reality is an ever changing present that produces an absolutely unknown future. And I just have to deal. It really can be pretty awesome, the whole adventure of not knowing. It has taught me something really valuable. Use your personal life sticky notes for what really matters. Your friends (a million blessings of love and relation a billion times over). Your family, no matter how small (like just me and Jared) or large (like my aunt and her 7 kids...what?!) Trust me, after packing and unpacking 4 times in one year, you start to really evaluate how important that old tea towel really is to you. And how important the people around you come to be.

2. Do things that remind you "Hey, I'm good at stuff!"

After losing myself amongst the clutter of too many childhood items finding their way into my spare bedroom (what was I saving all that for) and not time to plug myself into anything, I hopped on the "my life is pointless train" and refused to get off even when the train station closed down. Graduating college is crazy enough. Graduating college and working a job that makes you think "Hey, I suck at things!" really just puts a damper on the whole "world at your fingertips" mantra. After my long overstayed train ride on the Pointless Express, a dear friend shook me from my stupor by telling me to do something I was good at. I know this seems obvious, but I ran out of my sticky notes before putting one on that idea, okay? So I did. And it was beyond fantastic. I like to take pictures, so I got a camera and, tada, pretty pictures oozing with my creative eye have been reeling out of my computer ever since. I love music; so I got a keyboard (as a gift) and began to write 1/2's and 1/4's of the most terrible songs ever that should never be heard by anyone who actually has functioning ears. But I loved it. I felt alive. I volunteered to love on people every week, to teach up and disciple and pour myself out. It was life changing. I do cartwheels just because I can. I crack jokes because I think I am hilarious and other people laugh at me for this, who cares if they actually think I am funny. I write in my blog because I think words are cool. I chat it up with anyone and everyone because who doesn't need a good conversation? Needless to say, I haven't used my round-trip ticket for the Pointless express in quite some time.

3. Comm.un.it.y.

Do it. Stop fighting it and trying to be "cool" and "different". Why? Because you end up looking like a fool. A fool who has nothing left when they wake up one day after all of their cool and different days. Thats when you realize you are totes not cool or different. Get with it now and don't regret it later. Live life with people. Deal with the fact that they will let you down and get over it, you let people down, too. Such is life. And let me tell you all the lows are totally worth the highs. All the "let downs" are actually beautiful reminders that we are all journeying together towards the same end. Love. Lovely, lovely, love. Sympathy, grace. And someone to punch you when you need a good right hook of sense. Someone to hug you when you need a good two arms of understanding. Someone to support you when you need to legs worth of crutches. Looking at my life with some of the girls who have defined much of my stumbling through my own life, I couldn't paint a better picture of the perfect way to look back on a life actually lived and the joy it brings me. Actually, just take like 12 of your personal life post-it's and label them "community, duh you idiot". I wish I would have enacted this rule sooner.

4. Do pointless nothing's and revel in it.

Drive and listen to music with your windows down and sing really loud. Dance in the car, in your house, with your friends. Fart and giggle. Play dress up. Drink tea and coffee outside at night. Stay up really late for no reason. Read a book when you should work on something. Lay out and look at the stars once a month. Climb on the roof to get a new perspective. Paint a room in your house. Lay on your couch and eat a piece of cake. Or just listen to music. Or nothing. Go for a walk alone. Or go with your best friend. Wear your favorite color. Start a blog. Smell the air with your eyes closed. Walk around the grocery store for fun. Ride the carousel at age 23 and let everyone else judge you. Lets be honest, they wish they had the same cool personal life post-its that you do.

5. Be completely vulnerable with at least one person...or two.

Find at least one person that, even at your ugliest moments, you don't lie. FInd someone you can't lie to, or hide from. That way the game of life peek-a-boo, now-you-see-me-now-you-don't that wears us all down is far removed and not even an option on this post it. Let someone love you like you are. It is by far the most refreshing, earth shattering post-it there is. Quite a heavy duty post-it if you know what I am sying.

6. Tell the people you love just that. That you love them. And tell them you like them, too.

You think hair cut day makes you feel awesome? Try having someone tell you everyday that they like you, and even better, they love you too. Whew. Sign me up for that post it because I feel quite fantastical as the first day of fall, plus some, when I hear this. Don't you?You can never say it enough. I am not all mushy gushy, but you can never go overkill on this one. I love hearing that I am awesome, even if I don't always think it.

7. Celebrate every little moment.

Find any and every excuse to make the little things the happiest things. Celebrate a good day. Celebrate excellent friendships. Celebrate awesome food. Celebrate your favorite holiday, time of year, favorite book or show. Celebrate a rainy day, or a sunny one. Live for it. If its your rain boots that make it perfection then, honey, you put those rain boots on. Now. Post-it those babies.

For now, my list of must post-it life moments is at a close...some day I will add more, as I learn more. Lets face it, I have a lot of learning to do, and several personal life post-its waiting to be used.

Photographs

A boring black box full of buttons; this is my inspiration. This is my way of knowing that all is not lost.

My camera.

It is really nothing special but it amazes me every time. This little black box can create something worth looking at. It is ordinary at best, but this little guy has been changing my life.

Most days I feel pretty gross, I can sympathize with Mr. Yuck quite often. My Charlie-Brown- esque life approach reminds me too often that I am ordinary, and usually err on the side of downright ugly; nasty even. But my little camera reminds me there are things to be seen, beauty to be found amongst some pretty nasty stuff.

I just hope, when God looks at me, He sees what I see in a photo. I hope He sees that even though there is a lot of mess, ugly and nastiness, there is oddly something beautiful that can be seen underneath it all. I hope that it can all just fade away until all that is left is a beautiful portrait of an ordinarily hopeless girl.

Anticipation...

Today, I feel stuck. So to feel unstuck, I am looking to the season of change to bring its funtivity-wonderfulness back into my life.

This has really become and unhealthy obsession, but fall is everything I want to be when I grow up. Is that weird?

Like I actually need a reason to dress up my dog...but at least this time of year gives me a somewhat legitimate excuse. Also, it helps me to chronicle the many creepy faces of Jared. What is this face?

y.u.m.m.y. all that needs be said.

Watching fall movies about my favorite fictional character? yes, please.

Dear fall, you hold all my hopes and dreams. We will always be best friends, unless you make me mad by snowing. In which case, friendship over. But since you have yet to fail me, please come visit soon.

Love Cait

I think if I ever write a book, it will revolve around my car. Mostly because most of my significant moments have happened in a car...mostly in my cars. Old Roy set the trend and now it has moved onto my lovely lil 'bishi. No matter what type of weird old car I drive, I have a strange and wonderful connection to each one. And so many of my thoughts, friendships, and loves occur or develop in those two worn, grey, front seats.

Often, driving, I wonder, does anyone else ever think about the cars around them? Not in the sense of thinking "what a lame driver, umm there are yellow lines because of people like you, hello, red light!" ( mostly because I am that person if you say those things). I mean, do you ever think, "That person has a past, present and future. That person has a life going forward, and a story that isn't mine. That person has love, and loss, and something to teach me."

I think this so often that sometimes I think I am creepily obsessed with strangers, but really, I am just obsessed with the symphony God is writing. And I so badly want to see all of the parts tied together in the grand finale. So, God, thank you that we all have a part, thank you that we are not all violinists or play the bass. Thank you that there is percussion and color.

Thank you, that the story is so different yet so beautifully blended. Thank you that it is not over yet....

Dear Anne, Thanks for making me remember when I wrote this...I need to remember my own advice

if you want unity, remember your own imperfections...

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Friday, March 6, 2009 at 12:13am | Edit Note | Delete

Marriage. Some people hate the idea, some people are peeing their pants waiting for their turn, some people are reading this thinking, "wait...marriage, Oh my gosh I forgot that even happens." Whatever the stage of life, at some time it will encounter your day to day. There are a few words I want to say about it, as I approach my becoming a Mrs.

I truly used to believe marriage was the easy way out. That being single and independent was so much more admirable and desirable. That there was more sacrifice and dignity in being single and "proud of it". There is absolutely nothing wrong with single-dom, it is a magnificent and beautiful time to do amazing things. It is a growth period I would not have traded a moment of. Single-dom is an amazing time to be enjoyed and reveled in. But I was absolutely wrong in every way.

As beautiful and exciting as being single is, I would not trade my wonderful experience with Jared for another moment of it. Of course, there are days where my free-spirit springs forth inside me in an illogical way, wanting to drive and end up no where just because. Don't get me wrong, I still get to keep my free spirit, and Jared even encourages it. But I have taught it to be useful rather than useless. To people who are single and love it, GOOD FOR YOU, keep loving it and living in it. Keep serving with your whole heart. For those of you who are single and hate it, be patient, there is something to learn here, and the result will be breathtaking.

For those who, like me, are now walking into the crazy-biggest decision of their lives, do not let anyone make you feel less of a person for this. Relationships are meant to refine, renew, teach, and grow our spirits to look most like Jesus. There is no loss of dignity in this. For so long I let people treat me as though I had no independence or thoughts of my own because of my love for Jared and my desire to be his wife. Yet, I encourage you all, to see this as a chance for me, and hopefully someday for all of you, to serve someone so intrinsically that it changes your being into something more beautiful. I know it will be trying, it already has been, and it is supposed to be. Being refined by God is never easy. However the product is always beautiful.

I hope that everyone can look at themselves and see within them the beauty of the stage of life God has placed them in for the time being. I hope we can step back and acknowledge, enjoy; even revel in our state of being and the growth it is bringing us, instead of longing for something else. More than anything, I hope, as women of God, we can look at other women and appreciate the stage of life they are in without labeling it "single" or "married" or "desperate" or any of the other silly things we like to do. We are all women, journeying towards the same end; to love, be loved, and know we are serving our God. No one is perfect, so God refines us. Let us encourage one another in our refinements, whether they look the same or not. And please, let us remember that women are mighty, mighty vessels of God, in any relationship, if we so choose to allow Him into our hearts and use us.

God, You are...

My freedom and my adventure. What makes me fall in love with you every day? Let me tell you...

The earth, the smell of the soil and the grass. Especially after a rainstorm. Even better when there are still crystal clear droplets lingering on a pine tree. One that smells like a real pine tree, heavy brown bark, deep evergreen, tall and towering, like pine trees should be.

Fall. Every single part of it. The way you color the leaves and the sky at sunset. The way grey clouds make me feel cozy and full, only the way they can this time of year. Pumpkins that look like they could pummel small children (not that I would do that with them haha). Apples and the smell of each one floating together in an orchard. The way cinnamon never smells any better than in October.

The first snowfall. The way it seems to reflect the moon all night long and quiet every sound into a pillow soft disturbance. The way hot chocolate tastes after a day of sledding or ice skating. Sorry winter...that is all I like about you...if there were a season contest, you lose, hands down.

Rainy days and star filled nights. The softness of fresh grass, the smell of lilacs outside my window. The shape of mountains and the feel of fresh air. The warmth of the sunshine, the sound of music. The beauty and courage of bold colored flowers and trees.

If there ever was an artist to take after, I would want to take my creative side from you...